Saturday, September 2, 2017

Tooled by the Tool

Tooled by the wrong Tool.

The idea that Psychologist David Buss actually said the words "The science isn't in yet. Nobody knows" to a powerful thinker (Tai Lopez) asking powerful knowing questions about social media and narcissism is absolutely ludicrous and like many Drs I've encountered incredibly narcissistic. (Dr David, just because you don't know and are too dense to string together the obvious, and too arrogant to shut up, and step off, doesn't mean nobody knows. Just because you quantify the world in doctoral degrees and merits, again does not mean you know that nobody else knows. You can quote me on this: The science is in. You're looking in the wrong place. Start over.)

And then to Tai Lopez who I admire greatly:
No, I wasn't necessarily invited into the conversation but you asked us what we thought. Rhetorically I cant know but like I wrote to you via email, I thought it might be time for a willing lamb to actually get up on this empty soap box. Lord willing I will write a book or a library of books on the subject of this kind of denial, but in the meantime here's a pin prick at unwanted startling global truth.

Yes, Tai, The science actually is in but the correlation has not yet been made. Narcissism is a symptom that stems from addiction and the addict always denies he's addicted. Your doctor friend is wrong or he's lying; like the smoking doctor of the 60s refusing to make a correlation between lung cancer and cigarettes. Psychologist Patrick Carnes brings up an important and powerful point in his book Out of the Shadows when he outlines the phases of addiction and how quickly an addict moves through those phases given different and varying stimuli. My point about correlation has to do with an entire world of addicts suddenly destroying themselves denying the phone is a drug and/or that they need a cure and saying altogether there is no problem. I've worked in behavior analysis for more than half of my life and no study is new under the sun. For example: We know well what cocaine is and what part of the brain is targeted. We know well what blinking lights do to that very same area of the brain but because of our corporate obsession with speed and light and efficiency and a dollar driven greed we mistake for purpose, the little blinking lights reel us in. How does one cook a frog? In cold water. And by the time the pot boils the amphibian has no idea he's been cooked. Society has become what I call "auto reaching". Suddenly the ticking mechanisms of abused children are present in every man woman and child with phone or tablet. We walk around like Weimaraner's instead of powerhouses with keen ability and sharp focus. Instead something has captured our focus which is not even close to the same thing. The mindlessness of those auto responses; these ticks; these fragmentations; the auto reaching for our phones even when standing in one on one conversation with a warm body -- We give the person standing right in front of us, only the portion equivalent to one running text message in a very long cue of ongoing cybersations. No longer does man address man or give all of himself to what is in front of him. He mistakes community for an imaginary world on screen when the widow and orphan are right next door. No yogi was ever fragmented; no great man this dependent. We are lost to our desires and on the far reaching scale we are all what Patrick Carnes would call Phase 3 addicts; equivalent to the level of addiction known in serial killers. We are dangerously lost. Narcissism is unfortunately inevitable. You're asking the right questions Tai. You're just asking the wrong people.

Yours ever

Joshua Drew Payne 2017 Sept 2


This is what the LORD says: "Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls." But you reply, "No, that's not the road we want!"
Jeremiah 6:16

Friday, August 4, 2017


jPayne 2©17 4aug

i like feeling it
a little sorry
for myself,
i'm best when blue

i'm warm in melancholy
when rain is foreign cool
and the sky is blue too
it's an imagination

humani don't know escape
they bustle
frogs and bird sat in branches
the large leaf surrenders like rooftops

i stand along time
the grocery stores emptied
like a race
i spoke with the patient elderly

where do they all go?
is there some hurry
that busy stoplight isn't waning
the star will still rise Friday

judith regenberg
we remembered then
when there was nothing else to do

what are connections
sticks of dynamite
in a sand pile
we played

i looked her up
in the eyes
they are dark
bluer than a storm

jPayne 2©17 4aug

Saturday, December 10, 2016

for Buddy (and the Black one)

for Buddy (and the Black one)

WE exist in planes, as planes
stratum of artificial madness
mattering only to our God
who lovingly (perhaps)
regrettably re-planes us.

You've heard of me
no bread of numbness
dumbs down that pain
by which His hand succumbs.

I have heard You
on your bedroom, teary
the sleeping coming-morning
wrestling-carving, intervening:
She …

She is a light and dark
altogether she is might
her likeness but a rubber lip
on the edge of neighboring time

See the way the light
chases down inside,
the cornea of her liquid amber eye?
The flecks of red and violent silver
bend the marble into sky.

She sits the sunlight of her youth,
knowing what is coming after.
Still all is mirth and squirrels
a rabbits chase into the dower.

I know she sees You.

She's been so close.
All 'round her is that death.
She flexes fast and bawls with joy
proud sinews do the rest.

Companion blonde,
The boy hung star lays cold.
His friends, the men, bring fire and julep,
To celebrate the waking old;
the coolness of his day,

I know he knows.
"Don't break my love, don't break.
Don't worry boys within, without,
my spirit grows …."

My Left
He is my watch and constant stand.
He knows the job though I know not
the crown of thought he comprehends

That thought has seen my life protect
And to it's end,
With quarter hind and quarter movement
pack, to, fro
inherent bend.

He rises in my arms and sleeps there also
My puppet cricket bee my doff my fearless partner.

She claims the space he easily resigns
She moves in knowing it-is all because
He tenders to her kind -

Her past, the horror-dark she tastes and still pretends
Our mirth will last forever
That hope is but an end
That all will be together never aged;
never wending waning-dawning
these autumnal pages.

Hail Buddy! Sage! Sifu-
Tolerant spirit.
To Mamma Black, her heart
and to the way she tests us.

Bring us round and right expose
exactly whom we bought;
For whom,
And who exactly
we are not.

To the mirror eye, though often so unkind to me,
Find Buddy, ever joyful, ever able, clear unchanging.
Dog my God redeeming ever his mankind
Surely, he hath shown again Messiah.

Ever Alpha and Omega,
ever light unwavering,
And as ever, soft as water, ever
Strong as bended breaking.

Winter light folds in.
He faces brave.

She hides beside him
ever slave.

Ever kin:

She is at last my Darling, thing
And He
forever mine,
my peerless, peerless friend.

Joshua Drew Payne December 10, 2©16

Friday, December 9, 2016


Stroll over to and check out works completed and works pending.There are at least five other pending projects not listed there including an Operatic Record and a Musical Theatre Collection. SO
Let me know your opinions about KICKSTARTER. We'd like to get these projects done but I'm not so great and self-promotion or begging. And with this I simply ASK:
We (the band, studio cats and players and various producers and engineers) figure we could do about 6 big records a year if the money was in place. That'd be 7 hours of music a year for the next how ever long we get to be on this great planet. And the though the seeming public continues to pirate music, I still believe personally in a "no compromise" with regard to paying these world class musicians top dollar. That's why these projects are at a stand still. SIDE NOTE: This past week a FAN told me she was going to donate to our project page for the gift of my CHRISTMAS RECORD. In good faith I went ahead and forwarded her a link not only to "GOD SO LOVED" but to 4 of my albums. She thanked me and never bothered to pay for one album. God love her! (Hi five to all you "FANS" who repeatedly do this to me and many other artists. I'm seriously glad the music is getting out there.)
Ai ya yai. Digress Josh DIGRESS! :)
I still believe in this business of making music. My friend Gloria Gaither called me and we were discussing the like, piracy and the state of the commonwealth. She being a STEINBECK scholar (for real) said, "Joshua, YOU work for the GREAT PATRON. Show up for the work, you will be provided for. She was right. She is right. Exactly right. AND this continues to be the case.
PROMISE: I will do my best to keep the faith.
In return, if YOU like what I'm doing, give me a little shout out below and let me know your take on all of it and as to whether you think a KICKSTARTER campaign would be worth the effort. Love you people.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

5 Things

I woke up two days ago with a simple revelation. It came though after months of struggling with hard issues about myself. I don't know that simplicity is quite what we think. Solomon's words were not complex but the perfect wisdom there was hard fought. I believe, a lot of the time, he was quoting his father: "My son, listen to me ..." David pleaded with his son, and the essence of it was: Do not take the path I took.

I guess it comes in waves, simple wisdom. Perhaps it skips a generation or some sound teaching falls seemingly irrelevant off the table.. I don't know. I rode hard and pushed hard and played hard and nearly killed myself some days, with hair on fire and recklessness and accidents. I feel like David maybe. I want a son. I want to tell him it can be simpler than all of that. I want to tell him about my revelation from two days ago. No, I don't have a son, so, I will tell you.

A voice woke me up after days of coming down from some intense work. It said, "Who are you?"

It bothered me at first.. more than a lot. It made me very unhappy. I didn't have an answer. I got depressed for what seemed like days but after that was over I got this gentle courage to forgive myself for not having an answer. So I asked the question aloud and rested knowing that the answer would come. It did come.
Two days later I woke with this:

"Today you are 5 things. Be all of them and one at a time. Tomorrow will be different. So tell me Joshua Payne, what are you first?"

I shot out of bed! "I am an athlete!" I said, as if some great race ensued. I don't know why I got into the shower.. that made no sense, but it was my first reaction to the statement. I don't have a swimming pool so maybe there was some need to find water after this proclamation.

So there I was in the shower, rinsing. I began to hum. And incidentally the feeling of "being" encouraged me to run a few vocal exercises. That felt good. Anyway, after rinsing off whatever it was my instincts needed to rinse, I bundled up, threw on my shoes and ran hills like an athlete until I was tired.

I came into the house exhausted and laid down on the couch to rest. The voice said, "What are you now?" I was surprised to hear it again so soon. I answered, "I am man who takes care of himself." The voice said,

"Then go do."

I made a green smoothie and put vitamins back into my body and then took a couple of hours caring for myself, making beautiful food and resting. I finished the last bite of a meal and there it was again. "What are you now?"

"I am a visual artist," I answered.

The voice said, "Pick up your work and flex those muscles until they satisfy you!"

I immediately did and came away with 7 new studies. When I closed my sketchbook the voice came again. "What are you now?" Then answers were coming easily:

"I am a writer."

"Then you best get to it," said the voice.

I sat a wrote for the better part of the day. The sun set. I closed my laptop with no handle really on the time. There was a party of friends gathering South of town and I'd committed to be among them. I dressed for the party and the voice said, "Who are you now?" Notice it didn't say "what are you?" I answered,

"WHO am I? Why, I am a friend. I've become a friend."

As I drove south I realized that without being a friend to myself, to my own nature, it was impossible to be a friend to others. I laid my head down that night excited, troubled, hopeful, fearful, expectant, joyful, sad. I slept. I woke the next day and the voice said, "Good morning. What do you want to be today." I answered,

"I want to be happy."

The voice said, "Then go.. do. Be."

Perhaps the proverb is this: My son, listen to me. BEfriend WHAT you are. Only then can you BEfriend WHO you are. And only then can you BEfriend the world. Only then can you BE happy.

jP 36.1073.3

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

An ear to bend..

did you ever meet someone without an opinion? wasn't it nice to be heard? wasn't it remarkable how they listened and nodded and peered deep into your sorrow and your joy? remember how you felt walking away -- lighter -- as if some great burden had been lifted and heaven and earth were again the places of dreams and kind realities? remember?
be that person for someone today. sit tight and hold dear to someone else's need for an ear to bend. resist your urge to fix or prod or advise or run. give them life and give them credit for opening up to you. turn off everything else. give them your undivided self. make no reason for regret. make no reason for them to close, and in this kindness you will contribute to a brand of karma that will utterly make you new, and allow them to completely find and embrace a much needed and long overdue release.

jP Fall 2o15

Sunday, November 1, 2015

The Alpha Female

It's frustrating how wrong the above article is and on so many tragic levels. But what's even more frustrating is that many of us are actually willing believe the writer Wesley's grave approach without investigation.

If you haven't read it, the link is above. Feel free and then get back to me.

Good you've read it. Welcome back.


Many of you know I've spent a quarter life in human and animal behavior and it's not surprising to me that the matriarch alpha female is the chief in every in every genius and species of the animal kingdom. The human race should see it no differently but sadly.. We've lost high honor and the understanding that women, hands down, are better intuitively and with most every aspect of decision making than men, and therein lies the rub.

The description of the woman in the article sounds more like a powerless desperate entitled imp in need of emotional support and likely psychotherapy. But the true matriarchal "alpha", she is much more calculated than the above description, and within her is a great war, ease and unease alike, doing fierce battle, and never is there an outward burst or the fragile abuse of power. She is clever and understands how to get what she needs and wants by allowing others to do the same. She is patient and kind and loving and long-suffering, but at the same time honorable and yes, unafraid to tell it more like it needs to be rather than telling it like it is for sheer lack of temperance.

She sees virtue as her highest mark and understands more the power in restraint. What I am describing is the Queen of Sheba, one of the most powerful women in history. She seeks wisdom above all else and knows that her life course, even if contrary to others, is her course alone, and she is comfortable enough to travel it without edge or ill-will or imposition. She is a force of nature, not a stark raving virago.

A true alpha would never "date" as the article so loosely implies. The alpha believes in something larger than herself and believes in that fate to align her with a counterpart, a help, and a love of equal power and standing. And she never "makes light" of anything! Sincerity is her fortress and setting people free IS her passion. Men and woman are both frustrated with this line of discourse only because "alpha" power takes skill, calling, discipline and the deep spirituality and knowledge that comes with the indexing of ones own soul. Instead we have traded greatness for an easier path.. insanity.

jP Fall 2o15