Wednesday, December 9, 2015

5 Things

I woke up two days ago with a simple revelation. It came though after months of struggling with hard issues about myself. I don't know that simplicity is quite what we think. Solomon's words were not complex but the perfect wisdom there was hard fought. I believe, a lot of the time, he was quoting his father: "My son, listen to me ..." David pleaded with his son, and the essence of it was: Do not take the path I took.

I guess it comes in waves, simple wisdom. Perhaps it skips a generation or some sound teaching falls seemingly irrelevant off the table.. I don't know. I rode hard and pushed hard and played hard and nearly killed myself some days, with hair on fire and recklessness and accidents. I feel like David maybe. I want a son. I want to tell him it can be simpler than all of that. I want to tell him about my revelation from two days ago. No, I don't have a son, so, I will tell you.

A voice woke me up after days of coming down from some intense work. It said, "Who are you?"

It bothered me at first.. more than a lot. It made me very unhappy. I didn't have an answer. I got depressed for what seemed like days but after that was over I got this gentle courage to forgive myself for not having an answer. So I asked the question aloud and rested knowing that the answer would come. It did come.
Two days later I woke with this:

"Today you are 5 things. Be all of them and one at a time. Tomorrow will be different. So tell me Joshua Payne, what are you first?"

I shot out of bed! "I am an athlete!" I said, as if some great race ensued. I don't know why I got into the shower.. that made no sense, but it was my first reaction to the statement. I don't have a swimming pool so maybe there was some need to find water after this proclamation.

So there I was in the shower, rinsing. I began to hum. And incidentally the feeling of "being" encouraged me to run a few vocal exercises. That felt good. Anyway, after rinsing off whatever it was my instincts needed to rinse, I bundled up, threw on my shoes and ran hills like an athlete until I was tired.

I came into the house exhausted and laid down on the couch to rest. The voice said, "What are you now?" I was surprised to hear it again so soon. I answered, "I am man who takes care of himself." The voice said,

"Then go do."

I made a green smoothie and put vitamins back into my body and then took a couple of hours caring for myself, making beautiful food and resting. I finished the last bite of a meal and there it was again. "What are you now?"

"I am a visual artist," I answered.

The voice said, "Pick up your work and flex those muscles until they satisfy you!"

I immediately did and came away with 7 new studies. When I closed my sketchbook the voice came again. "What are you now?" Then answers were coming easily:

"I am a writer."

"Then you best get to it," said the voice.

I sat a wrote for the better part of the day. The sun set. I closed my laptop with no handle really on the time. There was a party of friends gathering South of town and I'd committed to be among them. I dressed for the party and the voice said, "Who are you now?" Notice it didn't say "what are you?" I answered,

"WHO am I? Why, I am a friend. I've become a friend."

As I drove south I realized that without being a friend to myself, to my own nature, it was impossible to be a friend to others. I laid my head down that night excited, troubled, hopeful, fearful, expectant, joyful, sad. I slept. I woke the next day and the voice said, "Good morning. What do you want to be today." I answered,

"I want to be happy."

The voice said, "Then go.. do. Be."

Perhaps the proverb is this: My son, listen to me. BEfriend WHAT you are. Only then can you BEfriend WHO you are. And only then can you BEfriend the world. Only then can you BE happy.

jP 36.1073.3

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

An ear to bend..

did you ever meet someone without an opinion? wasn't it nice to be heard? wasn't it remarkable how they listened and nodded and peered deep into your sorrow and your joy? remember how you felt walking away -- lighter -- as if some great burden had been lifted and heaven and earth were again the places of dreams and kind realities? remember?
be that person for someone today. sit tight and hold dear to someone else's need for an ear to bend. resist your urge to fix or prod or advise or run. give them life and give them credit for opening up to you. turn off everything else. give them your undivided self. make no reason for regret. make no reason for them to close, and in this kindness you will contribute to a brand of karma that will utterly make you new, and allow them to completely find and embrace a much needed and long overdue release.

jP Fall 2o15

Sunday, November 1, 2015

The Alpha Female

It's frustrating how wrong the above article is and on so many tragic levels. But what's even more frustrating is that many of us are actually willing believe the writer Wesley's grave approach without investigation.

If you haven't read it, the link is above. Feel free and then get back to me.

Good you've read it. Welcome back.


Many of you know I've spent a quarter life in human and animal behavior and it's not surprising to me that the matriarch alpha female is the chief in every in every genius and species of the animal kingdom. The human race should see it no differently but sadly.. We've lost high honor and the understanding that women, hands down, are better intuitively and with most every aspect of decision making than men, and therein lies the rub.

The description of the woman in the article sounds more like a powerless desperate entitled imp in need of emotional support and likely psychotherapy. But the true matriarchal "alpha", she is much more calculated than the above description, and within her is a great war, ease and unease alike, doing fierce battle, and never is there an outward burst or the fragile abuse of power. She is clever and understands how to get what she needs and wants by allowing others to do the same. She is patient and kind and loving and long-suffering, but at the same time honorable and yes, unafraid to tell it more like it needs to be rather than telling it like it is for sheer lack of temperance.

She sees virtue as her highest mark and understands more the power in restraint. What I am describing is the Queen of Sheba, one of the most powerful women in history. She seeks wisdom above all else and knows that her life course, even if contrary to others, is her course alone, and she is comfortable enough to travel it without edge or ill-will or imposition. She is a force of nature, not a stark raving virago.

A true alpha would never "date" as the article so loosely implies. The alpha believes in something larger than herself and believes in that fate to align her with a counterpart, a help, and a love of equal power and standing. And she never "makes light" of anything! Sincerity is her fortress and setting people free IS her passion. Men and woman are both frustrated with this line of discourse only because "alpha" power takes skill, calling, discipline and the deep spirituality and knowledge that comes with the indexing of ones own soul. Instead we have traded greatness for an easier path.. insanity.

jP Fall 2o15

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

My Own Brother

~ my own brother ~

fall equidistance,
seeing sun bow to the moon
we now know the wind ––

the archival natures of some lover's past ––

i knew the friend in childhood
the horses and black apples
and short days after school when i refused
learning for the changing nature of things ––
of leather and latico and sweet feed.

i too enjoyed the taste of grain not knowing there was a friend born north
(from my mother's own dead ghost he was inhabited)
that would lift me up in word and in deed long before the redeeming hours
the apartments of souls learning heavy duties and pilfering to find their ways
and spiritual guides i yearned in teens to know.

when God joins the hearts of men
the spaghetti of highways leading them toward crossroads
is filtered in layers of cleaning up after ones own messes
so that he might, when in love with dear friends
take pride in accidental oopses.

it's involuntary in that great kitchen moment
when coffee or wine or stimulant or depressant
owes shame no new meaning but silence.
and when eyes meet and can,
the birthing right of some great child will not refuse his younger brother.

and this is the way villages are formed ––
great kings know this and in pledge they give gifts.

a painter loves his friend so much that absent
he yearns with each stroke to see and insure
that on revelation day, his beloved has not been left out.

his heart is simply this:

"i want so much for you to see what i am seeing."

thank you.
thank you.
thank you.

jP autumnal day 2o15 - for James

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

The Overinflated, Seemingly Highly Educated MD

The man stood and educated me on the virtues of pugilism in history and how fighting had made him fearless. He told me about the stances in tradition and how the ages had informed his lifetime of study. He waxed eloquent on the various styles he'd picked up traveling the globe, and then cautioned me to come no closer, that his hands were registered, deadly lethal weapons. I believed him. And then ... ? I knocked his ass out cold. I didn't know any of that shit he was talking about but I damn sure knew how to fight it.

jP (excerpt - the Salvation Plane)

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