that of a man

charged, man finds no fear of war
cries out venatical tantara
he offers nothing short of brave
defaces Dark's dim-narrow

calls loud upon the spirit beings
of old, those wielding iron
"crush helmets blind narcissus greed
break teething self renown!"

by cheek by jowl with roars of chest
and musk like sex endeavor
what heart can turn this man's full stride
of bow and staff and quiver

what noble creature dare take turns
this boy come man full story
the ready flex of shield on hand
hears gentlest threats of glory

there is but one eternal foe
can lay him trembling thus
erupt his conscious course
reduce him to the sniveling idiot

not death's dragoon nor siren sound
not famine, pestilent
just words, mere words from her he loves
the words, "i love you, but.."

no law was written banishing
these words outside his trust
dismantling his steadfast heart
erupting sacred dust

he weeps and crawls, a newborn babe
forgotten walks divine
his knees escape the forward thrust
come down like fresh cut vines

no venture, feat, triumph holds that
of one man's wanton wife
inherent root above all else
for this he forfeits life

jPayne june 29 2011

yesterday i watched the parent trap with maureen o'hara and brian keith. this scene: i wept. still we go searching the world for what we already have in our hands.. but love comes once.

I'm going to tell you something. "Run to the roar." Older lions aren't fast enough to do anything but scare antelope. They scare them away and right into a line of younger, faster lions. Moral: Pain roars. Face it. Turn right to it and face it. Do not run away from it. Running from pain is like running into death. Running from pain equals a lifetime of solitude. And a life alone, is a sure death. When someone says, "You should work on this about yourself, or you might consider.." Face the pain and work it takes to be better. Friends willing to speak to, at, about our foibles and our pain are truly friends. Growth is painful. Heartbreak is painful. I walk thru that dark valley and fear not. I am surrounded on all sides by friends. I do not have to be alone.
jP 2011

read gently

optimism builds things the opposite could not, will not ever imagine. optimism is love. optimism is truth. optimism is loyalty and the inability to be inconvenienced. optimism has one fatal flaw. it slaps hard in the face of the hurting if not tempered thus: it must only be felt, not heard. it must radiate a modest heat and follow through gently with easy embrace. despite the blows and contest it receives, if given well, optimism is the fountain of youth and the heart of empathy and shared sorrow. in optimism we wake and we try. death and cursing ensue when one empties his glass.

jPayne2011

(photo jP 2009 - click to enlarge)

my very own, my love

when the food is gone from the morning table and the hours of work have fainted into the midday, i can still taste you..
we were warm last night and again this morning.. i put on only clothes and keep lively the smell of you on my wrists.. i walk in straight lines.. i know exactly where i'm going.. the arrow is fixed..

and when i am old and i've written, i want NOT paradise, nor riches, nor fame, nor toys..
i want you and my life's best years yet lived

(photo by m. mckee 2010 - click to enlarge)

for Jerry Maguire

i toy with an idea i don't own
pouncing adopting on marriage bed
sleepytime, i stroke the black curly notes
as if they grew from my own head

singing our song of circumstance
i foster a godless inheritance
disdain the tune of society's dance
and give the little bastard a chance.. to be Man

vindictive vigil, my amber tune
brown but i know they're really blue
revising correcting fathering i assume
thought i am not the author

jPayne spring 96 (ouachita archives)

i rode my motorcycle down the trace along the lake in old iuka
the cool of your mouth still rung the nerves against my skin
and the drone of those miles took me high above the road into the thermal canopy
where swarms of birds rang out like making love in fall against your sweet blue hands

i can't say it truthfully my darling that there is even one broad second
that you don't crowd in earnest hard against the core of my pretense
the pang of those tender moments leave a less than steady current
and my chest tightens anxious by the hour, i am stanley running heavy against the pavement

though i'd like to portray the lionheart, like some indestructible uriah
i'm drowning remembering last night as you cooed fantastic in my dreams
the lavender satin doff came slow underneath our pressing-struggling desperate to illuminate
to apprehend those breaths we missed of us while meeting ends and ripping seams

to settle in to some perpetual groove, to sweat pelf and see efforts dominate
acting like its ok to be away when the world spins violently
every moment we misplace touch, every word we don't speak easily
strikes unkind against these childhoods we gave in turn near shouts of joy like christmas playthings

could i actually take you for my own and say i'm here beside you always
my nose will sleep beneath your neck until i'm dead
the travels i must take i will only take with you with me, ours
roadside wines and foods and beers, perfumes and plush motel beds

to see you bright, your fire fulfilled in the knowing that you can survive alone the heights in confidence
i understand and do not underestimate the plight of that beautifully vital hub of thoughts
but i also know you, and at last arrived, you'd satisfy those longings
pushing back new ships to life, if we could forever journey by, holding closely, disavowing the normal caveats

not losing eyes, blowing out the candles, before i leave you lying
in the scent of us,
it might seem to dissipate under the smoldering glowing mirth
but long after the ashes fly, my love, you will still smell engines burning
we are eternal we are the sun we are the nightingale come autumn
we are the fragrant oil seen traveling back to earth

jPayne10.3.10