joshua payne's blog

exploding rounds win over the right to bear a laptop

2012-02-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

Dad blows up his kids computer!! well ok, he shoots it with a pistol! Pretty tight pattern too from 4 feet away: You all heard about this.. A 15-year-old girl puts up a Facebook post railing on her parents for making her work "too hard." Thinks blocking parents will keep them from seeing it. SO, dad reacts by posting a video response to her grievances on her Facebook page (OUCH), and then proceeds to shoot her computer, nine times: in the head. Friends, teenage boys mostly, grieve the loss.

I read a few of the commets from the facebook forum and really I have nothing to add except.. Maybe he should have shot his daughter with an exploding round and kept the laptop. that people actually are upset over the loss of a laptop is sadder than a frail attempt at discipline. but parents beware. a last attempt at discipline is most always just that: the last attempt. if one messes up with a dog, one can always get rid of said dog. if one messes up with a child, well.. this father is angry at two people and first one is himself. the child is secondary. "making her world harder" may be in order. at least he has consigned to "keep" his daughter. tough love is as tough as it must be but it is never received in anger. humility will win the day someday. proverbs does not say when the child is young they will not depart from the training, it says, "when the child is old."
jP 2o12

"compare yourselves not among yourselves"

2011-10-14T08:11:00.000-07:00

money is the only form of action. to count the cost is terminally expensive. but in our inability to propagate sacrifice, we have become a shameful people. we are exorbitant beyond measure and thus we are wicked. our only thought is to spoil our children and our grandchildren and in turn we raise them with an inability to see anything other than themselves. to a new generation, the picture on the left is real. the picture on the right only exists in pictures, and Heaven weeps.

jP oct142011

Joshua Payne | One Pass (The Work Tapes) , Vol. 1 | CD Baby

2011-09-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

Joshua Payne | One Pass (The Work Tapes) , Vol. 1 | CD Baby

i made one pass at the newest tunes.. they were coming in waves.. and in the time i spent losing, i sang to and into the void. when the height of your longing redirects your words and your weeping into song, the spirit of those moments are the realest they will ever be so in some sense the switch becomes the brush and the microphone the canvass - its a mad blur of color and accidents, beard scratches, foot stomps, page turns and sweat. it is the immediate past rendering a fervor that would never have existed otherwise and somehow the imperfect somehow becomes the truth.

i was a visual artist before i was musician and i never asked permission to paint. these songs, these vignettes into my life are no different. i hang them on walls and release them to the world just as they are, foibles and all.

franz schubert release some 200 published songs in his 18th year of life. seems to me the 12 song system is broken - releasing 1 record every 2 years, the age of these parameters is over.

from now on, i'm releasing everything i write, and if these work tape versions hold the self same spirit of truth as the one pass volumes, what then would be the point in ever repainting them? are they not already hanging in the halls of collegium?

jP '08

Hear Joshua, Mario Frangoulis, Nobel Peace Prize winner Betty Williams and others, recorded live on International peace day - One Voice From Africa

2011-09-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

Listen to internet radio with Kenneth Hieber on Blog Talk Radio

The Truth About Unfermented Soy and Its Harmful Effects

2011-09-07T16:58:00.000-07:00

Soy is NO substitute! Read this in its entirety and embrace the whole article. Write down the ailments that sound like something you or your spouse or children might be suffering from. Then lay off the soy for three months. See if it relates then do the math. Do the work. Do good for your body. You only get one turn at life.

jP 2011

http://www.naturalnews.com/022630.html#ixzz1XJY2c3b7

hammer to the left

2011-08-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

when a man sets his heart on faith and the hope he has reserved his entire life is laid on one cross, for one girl, no amount of pushing or shoving dismisses the nails in his hands. no amounts of caprice or disloyalty can reduce the sacrifice of the spear. nothing she does or does not do will ever undress the willing scars or remove the earnest blood from his burial shroud. and as he lays himself down to finally die, he smiles and dreams of her lips, and what heaven will be like when she gets there.

jP august 4 2011

photo jP 2009 roma (click to enlarge)

2011-08-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

there was a very little girl named megan living deep inside of megan, but megan didn't know that she was there. one day megan met a boy who walked like a man and smiled like a child and dreamed like a river and spoke like a dream. the boy called her by her only name and when they were naked together, he kissed her broken stomach, and the very little girl gave birth to a man.

jP july 2011

2011-08-02T13:39:00.001-07:00

finish the game

suggestion

2011-07-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

the power of a word. onion. ring. my buddy kevin says he's in ohio eating amish onion rings. "so jealous" my insides replied. crave crave crave! then i thought, wait! i'm gonna kick some amish onion ring ass, and i went in immediately and got to work.

i can't even begin to tell you how good these were (click pic to enlarge). likely the best i've ever had. my dog even ate them and he won't eat anything that isn't animal. quick someone tell me they've just taken over the world. i'm dying to match that clause.

Lord, let me crave the now, like i crave the suggestion of miraculous food. and please please bless the lot of it.

jP 30.july.2011

photo jP's kitchen

'buse

2011-07-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

loners are abused. not once but every time.. never let this go, and understand the masses of strange men, and broken women..

love or logic

2011-07-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

do we want normal or do we want love?
normal doesn't last. its been dead for thousands of years.

standard, usual, ordinary, accustomed, habitual, expected, stock, common, regular, routine, typical, run of the mill, middle of the road, garden variety, dime a dozen..

yet love, truest love, is only ever original.

jP july 3 2011

that of a man

2011-06-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

charged, man finds no fear of war
cries out venatical tantara
he offers nothing short of brave
defaces Dark's dim-narrow

calls loud upon the spirit beings
of old, those wielding iron
"crush helmets blind narcissus greed
break teething self renown!"

by cheek by jowl with roars of chest
and musk like sex endeavor
what heart can turn this man's full stride
of bow and staff and quiver

what noble creature dare take turns
this boy come man full story
the ready flex of shield on hand
hears gentlest threats of glory

there is but one eternal foe
can lay him trembling thus
erupt his conscious course
reduce him to the sniveling idiot

not death's dragoon nor siren sound
not famine, pestilent
just words, mere words from her he loves
the words, "i love you, but.."

no law was written banishing
these words outside his trust
dismantling his steadfast heart
erupting sacred dust

he weeps and crawls, a newborn babe
forgotten walks divine
his knees escape the forward thrust
come down like fresh cut vines

no adventure, feat, triumph
holds that of one man's wife
inherent root above all else
for this he gives his life

jPayne june 29 2011

2011-06-13T08:08:00.001-07:00

yesterday i watched the parent trap with maureen o'hara and brian keith. this scene: i wept. still we go searching the world for what we already have in our hands.. but love comes once.

2011-03-08T11:24:00.000-08:00

I'm going to tell you something. "Run to the roar." Older lions aren't fast enough to do anything but scare antelope. They scare them away and right into a line of younger, faster lions. Moral: Pain roars. Face it. Turn right to it and face it. Do not run away from it. Running from pain is like running into death. Running from pain equals a lifetime of solitude. And a life alone, is a sure death. When someone says, "You should work on this about yourself, or you might consider.." Face the pain and work it takes to be better. Friends willing to speak to, at, about our foibles and our pain are truly friends. Growth is painful. Heartbreak is painful. I walk thru that dark valley and fear not. I am surrounded on all sides by friends. I do not have to be alone.
jP 2011

read gently

2011-01-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

optimism builds things the opposite could not, will not ever imagine. optimism is love. optimism is truth. optimism is loyalty and the inability to be inconvenienced. optimism has one fatal flaw. it slaps hard in the face of the hurting if not tempered thus: it must only be felt, not heard. it must radiate a modest heat and follow through gently with easy embrace. despite the blows and contest it receives, if given well, optimism is the fountain of youth and the heart of empathy and shared sorrow. in optimism we wake and we try. death and cursing ensue when one empties his glass.

jPayne2011

(photo jP 2009 - click to enlarge)

my very own, my love

2010-12-05T01:22:00.000-08:00

when the food is gone from the morning table and the hours of work have fainted into the midday, i can still taste you..
we were warm last night and again this morning.. i put on only clothes and keep lively the smell of you on my wrists.. i walk in straight lines.. i know exactly where i'm going.. the arrow is fixed..

and when i am old and i've written, i want NOT paradise, nor riches, nor fame, nor toys..
i want you and my life's best years yet lived

(photo by m. mckee 2010 - click to enlarge)

for Jerry Maguire

2010-10-13T21:35:00.001-07:00

i toy with an idea i don't own
pouncing adopting on marriage bed
sleepytime, i stroke the black curly notes
as if they grew from my own head

singing our song of circumstance
i foster a godless inheritance
disdain the tune of society's dance
and give the little bastard a chance.. to be Man

vindictive vigil, my amber tune
brown but i know they're really blue
revising correcting fathering i assume
thought i am not the author

jPayne spring 96 (ouachita archives)

2010-10-03T20:44:00.001-07:00

i rode my motorcycle down the trace along the lake in old iuka
the cool of your mouth still rung the nerves against my skin
and the drone of those miles took me high above the road into the thermal canopy
where swarms of birds rang out like making love in fall against your sweet blue hands

i can't say it truthfully my darling that there is even one broad second
that you don't crowd in earnest hard against the core of my pretense
the pang of those tender moments leave a less than steady current
and my chest tightens anxious by the hour, i am stanley running heavy against the pavement

though i'd like to portray the lionheart, like some indestructible uriah
i'm drowning remembering last night as you cooed fantastic in my dreams
the lavender satin doff came slow underneath our pressing-struggling desperate to illuminate
to apprehend those breaths we missed of us while meeting ends and ripping seams

to settle in to some perpetual groove, to sweat pelf and see efforts dominate
acting like its ok to be away when the world spins violently
every moment we misplace touch, every word we don't speak easily
strikes unkind against these childhoods we gave in turn near shouts of joy like christmas playthings

could i actually take you for my own and say i'm here beside you always
my nose will sleep beneath your neck until i'm dead
the travels i must take i will only take with you with me, ours
roadside wines and foods and beers, perfumes and plush motel beds

to see you bright, your fire fulfilled in the knowing that you can survive alone the heights in confidence
i understand and do not underestimate the plight of that beautifully vital hub of thoughts
but i also know you, and at last arrived, you'd satisfy those longings
pushing back new ships to life, if we could forever journey by, holding closely, disavowing the normal caveats

not losing eyes, blowing out the candles, before i leave you lying
in the scent of us,
it might seem to dissipate under the smoldering glowing mirth
but long after the ashes fly, my love, you will still smell engines burning
we are eternal we are the sun we are the nightingale come autumn
we are the fragrant oil seen traveling back to earth

jPayne10.3.10

to do

2010-09-30T12:11:00.001-07:00

useful.. its days like these, i want to come, and take your lists of things, to quietly fulfill, working in the cracks, to see you offer one single sigh of relief from your tired anxious breasts. come rain. the magnet pulls in sunlight.
jP 9.30.10

voices of dogs

2010-09-23T10:12:00.001-07:00

(click to enlarge photograph)

when there are beans, there are poor people
eating them in the sheds south of the water.
they are destined to struggle. they will die
in the city of their birth.

dogs like buddy don't come around but once
in an age, and he'll tell you the secrets of time-
the things that went missing since he was here
the last time, and you'll die to know that he will
soon be gone while you are living on
beans.

i used to grow them in my yard to taste
and remember the shoes i wore holes thru by night.
nothing would tag the innocent children of poverty
like the rags they put back on.

dogs they don't care. i am animal, i am man, i am
the sweltering heat of the pavement south of the water.
the life of happiness is nothing but loving to be loved
and the gross part of humanness is seen echoing
in the voices of dogs, complaining about their beans.

(photo by jP sept 2010)

holland

2010-09-13T20:02:00.000-07:00

we choose to need. we choose to depend or we choose to be alone. leave me on the other side of the world without her and i will relish the time it took to get there. the plane ride where she almost believed that i would love her for all of eternity.

ode to joy

2010-08-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

intuition breaks apart
copies rights thine ilk kept safe
the laws of moses waning dart
on land an immigrant hates

to pet thee in the morning light
was any thursdays rev'rie
that two-like child reared intertwine
mid roar of fond forgetting

confinement bruises fervor side-
irons shotgun usury war
all 'board abetting on despite
the progress-nest of cancer

forty ages grow impetuous
forward leaning in the mind
when metal falls against it
smoothing dodges gently lie

revoke, burn green thy pages
farthings, comets worsening yet
munitions silently assuage
the bombshells in thy bed

sweetly weeping turning-
feeding hard against thy bowl
gorilla, breathe, thou mine own heart-
break warm outside the looming dark
come infiltrating joy

jP 2010

photo: mmckee

monteagle

2010-07-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

i love you for the child in my mind, time-tethered traditions, no
the ageless wonderment we knew forgiving in the throws
of matchmaking of dowry sets of debutants and lines
we river grasses forged in rock by making love and wine

giving birth in this new age, give meaning to these signs
relieving duty of a name tired faces grieved behind
the masks we cast, cast in that fire and consummate the bed
for children we adopt an aging kindred soul instead

for children we move earth to claim the wrecking ball it bled
for the child, we build upward eaves on holdings finally kept
for the little girl, sing lost dreams of peace sad doubt thought to forget
in joy we ever come
the wedded couple of
monteagle, our dear homestead

jP 7.28.2010

tip #2 PVS (part 1)

2010-07-27T11:20:00.000-07:00

(click photo to zoom)

pvs is the acronym i use when when talking to people about "food order" and when to eat what. pvs stands for "protein, vegetable, starch." this is not original with me. i read it once 10 years ago in my research and haven't been able to find a source for it since. but the logic of it stuck with me. and so along with my own measure, study and philosophies, i have developed a discipline in which i have become an avid proponent. it changed my life so dramatically that i have been known to get into passionate conversation almost to the point of pleading with friends and loved ones to give it a try. i've had very few takers, but the ones who have stuck with it, have benefited immensely. i won't give you the passionate speech but i will tell you what i think i know.

to explain the pvs technique, lets go backwards for a minute and i'll break down each of these food groups briefly as we build to an enlightening, life-changing punch-line.

starch.
starch digests in an alkaline environment. starch is an antacid.
what constitutes starch? bread, potatoes, pasta, etc..
keep this info in your back pocket for a second.

vegetable.
i want you to see vegetables in a new way. there are all sorts of really good statistics floating around about vitamin absorption and the daily values absorbed from say a cup of spinach etc. in my research we get about 8% to 10% of the nutrients out of a vegetable when we eat it versus juicing, but don't panic, that 8 is enough. inside of that 8 percent lives a break down of percentages that will equal high percentages in daily values so, even though the nutritional value of today's veggies has been greatly diminished within the last 100 years, i don't feel the need to panic. we are not cows. we have incisors. we do not chew cud, thus we do not get all the enzymes out of the vegetables we eat. we never will. its not our design. but that is NOT the end of the story!

here's the flip-side and the one they're not really talking about much. (i could get a lot more complicated than this with the various types of roughage etc but lets skip all that and make this easy.) let me assure you, that if you'll look at veggies as roughage, you'll get more than enough of what you need without the measuring cups or point systems. wrapping your head around this means life or death and nobody really wants to lose their own life. so lets look at vegetables as roughage and consume them for that reason. this way you'll get your nutrients by default but in the the bigger absolutely necessary picture, proteins followed by vegetables will, by design, push the protein thru the colon and strip down any fatty or toxic buildup thus saving your life! nutrients are absorbed more easily thru a clean intestinal wall and seeing veggies as roughage will allow the body actually work. sure, juicing ups the rate of absorption significantly but we can discuss the benefits of that and when juicing is appropriate, separate to this exercise. so roughage. green follows the protein, and the next paragraph will tie all this together, bear with me.

protein.
protein breaks down or digests in one place: the stomach. in order
for protein to digest it must have acid to do so. in order for your body to use protein, it must be digested, broken down into dipeptides and polypeptides, so its nutrients can be absorbed. if the protein is not broken down it goes into the intestines undigested and now we have a problem. a BIG problem. i spoke earlier about a matter of life or death. dear friends listen to me. tragically john wayne and elvis both died with 35 to 40 pounds of undigested protein in their bodies. forgive this tidbit but elvis was on the commode doing his best to get rid of some of that when he passed away from a heart attack induced by septic shock. why? (read this slowly and comprehend) THEY WERE MEAT AND POTATOES MEN. protein needs acid. starch is an antacid. make sense? friends, starch and protein eaten together will kill you faster than cigarettes and smog.

summary
most people carry 5 to 25 pounds of superficial weight around because of food combinations that are traditional but NOT healthy. what they carry is undigested protein which distends the colon and thins the walls creating dangerous septic risks. if sickness begins in the colon, and we carry rotted meat around in our belly's, no wonder we can't stay well. no wonder the human race smells so bad. no wonder we are dependent upon deodorants to neutralize the toxins eeking out of our pores.

i've been challenged on this a number of times by doctors, nutritionists, you name it, but none of them can keep off the weight without working their cans off to stay fit. on the other hand, i have an eight pack. why? i barely work out. i mean, less than 18 minutes a week. yes you heard that right! less than 18 minutes. i walk my dog but he's little and we go slow. i work around the house and mow the yard and do chores and stuff but i'm not killing myself here. if i have an audition coming up and i need to look extra fit, i might up my water intake (see my blog on water) for a couple of days do a lunge or two, some extra push ups and make sure i keep a strict food order. other than that, i just enjoy being slim. a lot of people attribute my the way i look to genetics and some of that may be, but i would certainly argue that point for staying trim. i do not believe people are genetically written to be fat. i think, just like i did, they can inherit poor eating habits, but THIS! THIS we can change!!

so lets get started
here is a basic practical application for getting started on PVS

protein
eat a piece of meat.

vegetable
follow it with a handful of mix greens, dry. you won't like the taste but we do a lot of things we don't like. this will just make you have to do less of them.

starch
eat last and at least an hour after you've started your protein. if you make the mistake at a restaurant and go for the bread first, you're done. order a potato or pasta and make it a starch dinner, minus the chicken. if you eat the salad first, you're done. make it veggie dinner.

tip
eat slowly, consciously, gratefully with blessings and thanks and healing given to every single bite. say to yourself, "salmon," and notice every single bite of it. chew!

when its time for your salad, do the same.

if you are 45 minutes into your meal, on occasion it won't hurt you to participate in starch. but as soon as it touches your mouth, your stomach gets a signal to stop producing acid. your mouth is the first step in digestion and it signals to the rest of you "GET READY, I'VE JUST GIVEN MYSELF ______."

part 2
in part 2 i will discuss the role of fruits and the necessary benefits of starch and that its commercially deemed role as a fat maker is absolutely a mistake. let me know if you have any questions so far. i will respond to your questions here :)
jP

(photo by mmckee july2010)

2010-07-26T13:42:00.000-07:00

"one part of me just wants to give you everything. one part just needs the quiet. and if i'm lonely here, i'm lonely here. but on the telephone you offer visions dancing. i will not take these things for granted.. anymore."
gphillips

photo: jP 2010

a pile of sticks

2010-07-24T16:56:00.000-07:00

adding to a blog is like adding to a fire. you look around and there's a small pile of last years wood. when it runs out the newspapers go next and then the linens and old photographs find use. soon you are left with earth. you collect fallen branches and limbs like frantic fuel but as you gather they become careful comrades, and you pile them in specificly tight little bundles to burn slow. nothing sacred is sacred when you've found that heat and that light, save the provisions named "just enough."

past past erected to its memory even in floods and timelessness are all washed away. i would burn a fire if i only had logs. i would burn a fire if i only had paper. i would burn if only linens and photographs. i would burn only if i were content.

a pile of sticks will make you dream of a single chair, and a single book and a single bed, a tepid room and a candle, a slow burning fire, and a friendly neatly bound bundle of earth.

jP 7.24.10

photo: jP july 2010

prides come knock

2010-07-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

open. are we ever really open? humility is hearing the advice from a dunce in our very own area of expertise. one never knows. the mouths of babes speak often the wisdom of kings past. perhaps they once were. one never ever really knows.

photo: jP summer 2010

bless your water

2010-06-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

water.
water, water, water, water, water. we don't get enough. so here's the tip of the week: this is a picture of my watch. its a timex ironman. go get one. set the timer to go off every hour. when it goes off, drink 6 ounces of purified h2o. don't sip it for next ten minutes, drink it all right there!! (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT). at the bedtime hour drink 12 ounces. wait for it. now, when you get the urge to visit the restroom, please do. voila!! time for bed. tomorrow? repeat! you'll be up very early.. :) commit to this and you'll be glad you did. this simple regimen WILL change your life.

note: if you are thirsty in between hours, feel free to drink more h2o, BUT don't sip!!
pour a glass 4-6 ounces and finish it. no don't gulp it but do finish it. concentrate.
bless the water as you drink it and start listening to your body. it'll tell you how much it needs.
this IS the first step to tuning in to what your body is telling you. its saying, "i need water!"
more to come.

tip for ..

2010-06-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

a blog should be helpful. so i'm gonna be helpful. 1 health-
diet tip a week, or month or... no results jargon, thats for you to come up with and i hope you'll share the results with me. these are lifestyle choices i've made with regard to diet, wellness... follow my lead, give it a whirl, might be helpful you know? a blog should be helpful. did i say that already? stay tuned..

photo jP 2010

2010-06-04T14:27:00.001-07:00

never take on the offense of someone else without thorough investigation, no matter who it is.. wife, husband, best friend, son, daughter, doesn't matter. just don't do it. if they are wrong, you only support the fantasy they've dreamt up in their minds. are we not are here to sharpen each other? why share in the delusions of people aching to support their own bitterness, stubbornness, etc. and for heaven's sake PLEASE play the devil's advocate when i'm itching for a fight. please work to determine the validity of my argument! if you love anyone at all you WILL do this! sure, its hard, but the opposite is seldom love. sure there is room for stepping away and finding silence for a moment, but a loved ones misapprehension is cause for shining a light in the dark place. seriously, the day we stop learning is the day i, you, someone we love dies!

the value in running

2010-05-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

there is a value in running. you see the pop fly, its going to land behind you. you turn your back on it and run. you turn back to the ball, look up and your brain has done the math - its right in front of you. when the forrest is thick and dark there's nothing to do but climb out. when the map turns like z's and w's strung together in spaghetti salad you.. not sure. anyway, when conversations gain heat, announce that you are going to get away and then retreat. and in that place of respite let it be just that - respite. there are rules here; do's and don't do's galore. don't fret, don't curse, don't pout, don't drink, don't doubt, don't panic, don't hit things, don't worry and especially don't worry about the other party, just don't. do sing, do work, do hope, do love, do yell but only once and only if no one can hear you, then get back to singing and working. if you think about the other person, think only beautiful thoughts. pray for their peace and understanding, then get back to you. this time is for discovery about YOU. discover if your foundation has been shaken. discover if you are as strong as you'd like to be and then repent. how good are you? how lovely are you? how peaceful, gentle are you? how ugly are you? discovering ones self, its an art form. it is the art form of man. eventually you will die yes but why not live a goodly lovely giving life til then. you are practicing your eternity. step away, grow and come back better. likely, when you turn around, your love is standing right in front of you. your brain has done the math. go to her. catch her with your gentleness. even if she isn't with you yet, she will be, and your kindness does not depend on it. love covers multitudes..

i and thou

2010-04-17T23:28:00.000-07:00

what am i apart from thee and thou apart from me
doest thou know they say of us incomplete?
two parts that lone lie whole yet apartment share a soul
you and i, death and life, joy and pain, sun, moon, rain the same
hence these bane exist without its other

said magnetic oppositions fair
still the sun and moon shown together rarely
by design must offer distant solace of their being
yet from this vantage yearly kiss
and blackness of its blissful miss
seen closely but millions by, we thank God they don't collide
though they will by God and us by Him as well

so forget my hours fearing this
the ordered steps counting numbered days
introspective, dwindling, pacing incessantly wrong
i found death not mine to have just yet
though life i'd wished away mindless
of what held fast: two spheres apart by force alas
i worry less and ride the moon much older now
too, patiently remembering i and thou

jPayne archives
photo: jP 2010 roma

2010-04-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

where warmth lies kept inbound
by earnest consolation
the blameless savor doubt
thy wavering mattress patient

thy solstice turning nearer to
the heartbeat's fetal nature
thy waking blanket gathers heat
unknowing guise thine anguish

the sons of welding boys
there wean a younger two
a trifle breaks the hardening light
and melts the incidental eye
of man, his beast, and youth

4.5.10 jPaYne
photo jP 2009 nashville

i know what kind of eggs i like

2010-04-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

its painful to know who i am
to realize the pit of my own soul, empty, bottomless
and to want enough of a love to fill and to fill it:
the lonely well full of water cool and untouched
and in the years it sought to now would only drink itself dry

but you
you know what kind of eggs i like

jPayne 4.3.10
photo jP easter 2010

portrait

2010-03-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

i have a damage of my own i need to fix in you
done in part by rule and the other of my thumb
a gift you wore like the painted still life canvas
i drew out on you in blue and then in blood

the scar i left is healing the burning oil
it festers cool in places kissed the most
no reasoning for loving is an open knife
given daily by
to wake some holy ghost

no time to sit and forage thru the embers
the faggots burn red-blue like smoldering ore
sing justice on the breaking downs of timber
ringing hot like vintage girls with no remorse

the blowing leaves outside your window clutter
near the ashes of a fathers paramour
they haunt with you the spirit of that wind
and you push and shudder and gently close the door

when rapture meets the cold upon your bed
is my hand alone enough to rue the knot
to warm the substance of some inmost fire
and untie the nuisance hanging in your thoughts?

is it not breath that comes to you in silence rendering
not breath that feels beneath you to your room?
the breath that wakes you softer than the morning hours do
breath that cuts much deeper than the wound?
renewed this breath of absence bleeds removed

jPayne 3.31.10
photo jP summer 09

2010-03-29T15:07:00.001-07:00

you're like the sun in spring when its cold between the days - i love in shadows, and ache for you - warmth, reasons to bloom.

jPayne 3.29.10
photo smithsonian wright bros

indomitable

2010-03-16T21:27:00.001-07:00

i am

the antecedent on your lips from a hundred miles away
and the prophesy your gentle feet assuage
i have nothing to apprise you bar an anxious lean caress
removing nothing but the antiquated dress
this will fit you nonetheless
and i know it will be kind against your breasts

jPayne march 2010
photo jP spring 2010

delecroix

2010-03-09T08:43:00.000-08:00

bare chested liberty will far outweigh your dignity
holed up in a cottage outside the circles,
where the weeping hot mess care nothing for platitudes
and the love that begs to be near seethes unmasked
behind the rippling of pools repeating further
and farther from the stone's reach.

jPayne 3.09.10
photo jP winter 2010 QUEENS

2010-03-03T16:42:00.001-08:00

i met love today,
full frontal.
it came, bearing the richness of long pearls
sent down with the weeping and the wearer to vaguely death.
my sorrow lie beside her heaving
and we thrust dirt in upon our rest.

i walk with her now by spirit low
and the days pace distant of her scent,
but the cotton dress she wore and left
as gently cast aside lament
preserves the pepper, mint and musk of who i am

jPayne 3.03.10
photo mMckee winter 2010
photo mMckee winter 2010

2010-03-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

a damaged fox bites out and never believes you only want to fix the broken leg. your intentions read loudly like the hunt it knew yesterday. you appear with something in your hand like a belted father set to ruin with the buckle. the weight of your grip is an unbearable dream and the empathy on your face reads like anger - and the hope that you could ever restore is washed in filth with the justice of others. no one is true, no one is sacred, no one is more than false. and even though your teeth are white with compassion, the mere size of you offers impossible relief.

jPayne 3.03.10

awakening

2010-03-01T21:34:00.001-08:00

It was not that she dwelt upon the details of their acquaintance, or recalled in any special or peculiar way his personality; it was his being, his existence, which dominated her thought, fading sometimes as if it would melt into the mist of the forgotten, reviving again with an intensity which filled her with an incomprehensible longing..

k. chopin - 1899
photo jP - new years tuscano 2010

2010-02-22T10:17:00.000-08:00

longing makes you do the things you wouldn't
and you grieve the pain your panic might have caused her
but belonging makes you become the thing you never could have been otherwise
tasting is believing
and the joy you found in solitude seems bitter
as you relinquish time alone for time in love

jPayne - 2.22.10

to my love

2010-02-17T21:28:00.000-08:00

i listen to older couples speak of old hats
and listen to them say the thrill is gone.
the world passes outside the curtained room
and the creeks rise frantically unnoticed.

when a house is on its stilts living above itself,
the facade of a morphine drip pushes the button down.
a rebel in the corner listens on
the grass inside his pipe is newly picked.

they whittle away at the hours laughing loudly,
and the wine flows evenly thru forgetting glasses.
the sciatic nerve glows hot with rising fester
but unbent knees know the floor is for little children.

a widow said her term life policy was up to date
and she made sure the younger old were staying current.
she lost her husband but at least he had insurance
he dropped dead after not touching her 18 years.

there is a gradient set that worries the masses
and another set of policies that most adhere.
the life to bond becomes updating a kitchen
and the wallpaper in the north bedroom needs replaced.

i looked all around me to find a connection deeper
than the one in that moment they found among the friends.
i saw it poor akin some fraternal order where
woman separate themselves from the men.

when we were young they say we used to be so carefree
but the loss of resources fostered a dim perspective.
and the medals of respect, of persons grew in that very moment
but diminished again when based on profits and net worth.

he's a self made man they hawed and changed the subject
another lofty station to admire.
but all the rooms in the biltmore do not linger
more than a second when i'm looking my love in the eye.

2 years have past with no sign of fading.
the flowers bloom and i plant in you over and over again
they tell me give it ten years and i'll feel different
but they don't know the power of my pen.

i write my own life, i write my own romance
i write the words to love by and ever live in.
the idea of my affection is enough to turn the pages
and i will never go a day without you in them

jPayne - 2.4.10
photo jP - jPaYne charcoal sketch summer 09

2010-02-04T11:29:00.000-08:00

you asked me a question and i answered. then i finished your next question as you answered it for me. we laughed in unison and awe, and reached for each other simultaneously.. your hand over and around my neck and i ducked in to help you put it there before you moved to do so and i reached around behind the portion of your lower back and pulled you in just as you crept forward to take me.
we smile now intently in the amazement of how well we meet and how well we know each other as we glance over at ourselves in the mirror on the wall. we laugh again at how beautiful we are and the times you are cold i am warm, and the times you are warm i need heat and my hunger is always met and your dishes always washed. we are in sync and amazed to get to be so close, confounded that we actually get to love like this. the way we move in sheets and the way we touch in shadows and the way a single bed is enough to lie on, we are peaceful. grateful in each others arms and mindful of the now, we thoroughly give in to joy.

jPayne 2.4.10
photo jP summer 09

the trouble with rage

2010-02-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

the trouble with rage is that it is locked in a room. the door has been sealed by the magician capable of disguising doors and there is no distinction between the walls and the floor. one can only look up into the pane of glass reflecting the mustache of his postponement and the world freezes outside to a steel halt as ones existence moves within and on without him. there is no whiskey in rage. no coffee cup or side-fire to make one weep in his soup. no calling dogs or firing roman candles into summer relief. cousins live next door and the voices and rumblings of words one can't make out push thru these walls at all sides and the seething is unkept erupting into the mind and wasted imploding into the ashes of his tears. finally when one is forced to empty the door unlocks, but no man is empty, until he is empty.

jPayne 2.2.10
photo jP - studio winter 2010

generally

2010-01-28T09:43:00.000-08:00

you know when i've listened to pop music i have, in the past gotten really annoyed. but something happened recently to up my appreciation for the here and now. there was a song that wasn't my favorite on the onset, and then i heard it covered! and boy, did it come alive! i thought, "something is wrong with me," and i set out to fix it! i decided to do the same - find a cover and make it something painfully current. so after a short search, i found the newest new. i chose a song by alicia keys and this was the start to something bizarre in my insides! as i begin to learn her lyric, and find my feel, i found myself somewhere else - somewhere i never thought i'd be - i was in alicia's shoes, i was feeling her! and wow, do i ever have room to grow!

seeing this change in me and feeling this new world, makes me, to quote my friend alison, " realize that i don't know much about life in general." im so happy for the expansion of a mind. i'm so happy for growth, in any form. my aversion to the latest pop music has only done one thing - put me out of touch with the world i'm living in. i was so far left i needed a compass to get back to center. a. keys - you, the guiding light, thank you.

here's a youtube vid of my latest find

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XRrcpWXJiU&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh+div-1r-2-HM

if i were thinking about forever with you, we'd start with my favorite poem.. ever!

2010-01-23T20:24:00.000-08:00

love song: i and thou

by alan dugan

Nothing is plumb, level or square:
the studs are bowed, the joists
are shaky by nature, no piece fits
any other piece without a gap
or pinch, and bent nails
dance all over the surfacing
like maggots. By Christ
I am no carpenter. I built
the roof for myself, the walls
for myself, the floors
for myself, and got
hung up in it myself. I
danced with a purple thumb
at this house-warming, drunk
with my prime whiskey: rage.
Oh I spat rage's nails
into the frame-up of my work:
It held. It settled plumb.
level, solid, square and true
for that one great moment. Then
it screamed and went on through,
skewing as wrong the other way.
God damned it. This is hell,
but I planned it I sawed it
I nailed it and I
will live in it until it kills me.
I can nail my left palm
to the left-hand cross-piece but
I can't do everything myself.
I need a hand to nail the right,
a help, a love, a you, a wife.

a guy on a plane

2010-01-22T16:44:00.001-08:00

i often set a double standard in the way i forgive myself and judge others and its one of my many faults, but sometimes that foible pays dividends with in a kind of tempered guided clarity. for instance i'm bold. i was born bold. there is nothing keeping me from being it. no gut check, no ought to feeling towards remorse, no deep seated revelation siding with the want to not be. i just move forward. the instant you think you are dead.

i was on the plane yesterday from italy. we were landing, and a man i couldn't see in the next cabin stood up while the planes wheels were touching down. the stewardess said, sit down! sir sit down. please sir sit down and continued like this as the plane sped down the runway to a quickly paced taxi. in that moment i stood, as the stewardess in my cabin was becoming incredibly uneasy. i touched her stomach gently and pushed her delicately aside and walked into the next cabin where the man was beginning to push his way out to the isle. people were in awe, scared, shocked, and deathfully silent. i pointed from behind the man and in my operatic voice with metropolitan triple forte i said, "sit down!" the man turned, and conceded with his hands up like i might shoot. i would have.

please let me say this as gently as i can. "do not disregard the words of small authority, from a female you may or may not respect. someone bigger than you is watching and he just might kick your ass.